


Me, Myself, and You

by nerdyydragon



Series: Kingsman Tumblr Ficlets [24]
Category: Kingsman (2014), Kingsman (2015), Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Eventual Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Harry Hart is a Little Shit, M/M, Multi, cannon-typical shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 06:52:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8361832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyydragon/pseuds/nerdyydragon
Summary: In Merlin's (not so humble) opinion, his best friend needed to stop playing the hero. Honestly; it cost him far too much paperwork and almost all of his hair.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Kingsman or anything affiliated with it, nor do I own that one Bo Burnham song in which this is loosely based off of.

Merlin was done. He was just so, so, completely fed up. He had been friends with Harry for decades. He would like to think he knew the man as well as he possibly could. No amount of prior knowledge could have prepared him for this.

Humanity, attempting to play god, had tried to develop a way to separate rationality from sensibility in order to create a more efficient being. Eggsy, being the excellent agent that he was, had been sent off to god knows where to destroy the one machine they knew of and get a hold of any and all material on it so that it could be promptly erased at a digital level or, more aptly, incinerated. Harry, being the overprotective shit that he was, had gone with him.

And had been hit by the ray. Except it hadn’t separated his psyche into two different pieces, it had made him two different people.

Eggsy - poor, poor Eggsy, who was going to be given both a raise and a well-deserved paid vacation after this, perhaps in Bora Bora, or maybe the Caiman Islands, with his mother and younger sister - had managed to wrangle the two of them to Harry’s flat and gotten them at least mildly presentable (and into different outfits, if their actions didn’t distinguish them enough) and then back to the shop. It had been a series of unfortunate events from there.

The twins (as Merlin had taken to calling them) had nearly gotten into a fight over who held the door for Eggsy when they were getting back into the cab.

The driver, experienced as he was, had been unprepared to see his boss(es?) bickering in the backseat and had nearly gotten into an accident, were it not for Eggsy’s quick thinking to take over the role of driving and let the man take a breather in the passenger seat.

The ray, it seemed, had not only separated their persons but also their fingerprints, and it had taken some finagling to get the elevator to work.

And here they sat, all three of them in a row, Eggsy in the middle looking haggard and all in all ready for a long nap. Or perhaps a coma; Merlin wasn’t quite sure which.

“Tell me again, what happened?” The Harry on Eggsy’s left, in a soft looking cardigan and loafers of all things, moved to speak.

“We - that is to say, I - had been waylaid providing cover for Eggsy,” he absentmindedly patted the thigh of the man next to him, “so that he could get to the machine to dismantle it, but before he could reach it, someone triggered it.” The other Harry - this one in his usual bespoke suit - sighed long-sufferingly.

“We wouldn’t have been waylaid had you,” he glared over Eggsy’s head, “been more logical about things and had sidelined your affection for the lad so as not to risk the mission. But no, you had to be gooey and attempt heroics. He doesn’t need us to play knight.”

The look on Eggsy’s face said that this was a continuation of their dispute in the car, and wouldn’t provide any further information.

“Well of course the dear boy doesn’t need us to do so, he’s perfectly capable. But even you have to admit that it feels nice to take care of him.”

“No, I don’t, because I actually use my head. I don’t spend all my time trying to come up with the best ways to get him to relax - by means of horrid rom coms as an excuse to listen to him laugh and an open invitation to sleep in our spare bedroom so that you can keep him close.” A pink hue tinted Eggsy’s cheeks, Merlin hazarded that Harry hadn’t been as clear in his designs as he had thought, though the lack of protest suggested that it wasn’t unreciprocated. “I admire the finer points about him, his mind, for starters - I haven’t been able to hold a decent conversation with anyone in years, Merlin aside, no offence.”

“None taken, now if we could just -”

“Oh yes, go on and on about his brain, what about his heart? He’s the kindest, most caring individual I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. After what he went through, by all rights -” Eggsy’s blush darkened, the poor lad was bordering on scarlet.

“Yes yes that’s all well and good, but you’re missing the -”

The two of them, one’s cold rationality and the other’s unbridled sensibility, had essentially escalated to speaking over each other, Eggsy still in the middle and attempting to push them apart. He sent a silent plea to Merlin for help.

“That’s quite enough!” Immediately they both ceased speaking and looked at him, though neither had moved. “If you would, gentlemen?” Merlin gestured for them to return to their correct seats, and they did, albeit reluctantly. “Since it’s quite clear that nothing on matters of actual importance is going to get accomplished until this… situation… is resolved, why don’t we ask Eggsy for his input. Well, lad? Let’s settle this - which one do you like better?” Eggsy’s eyes hardened and he glared at him, not that it had any effect. Sensible Harry took Eggsy’s hand closest to him and held it gently.

“Yes darling, I think it’s a wonderful idea. I’ve been so caught up battling myself that I’ve quite forgotten to think about what you want.”

“Goodness, now doesn’t that sound familiar. I told you to just -”

“Hush, we’re talking to Eggsy now. Well?”

Eggsy looked between the two of them, searching the open and honest features of the Harry on his left (who was sporting such a soppy expression that Merlin was torn between the urge to vomit and wanting to hit him) and the Harry on his right, who although more reserved was no less clear in his intentions. He bit his lip.

“I just want - I just want my Harry back.” He muttered, as though saying it out loud might alter the course of the future. Merlin thought that perhaps it could. “He’s got the best parts of both of you and I,” he swallowed thickly. “I wouldn’t change him for any of his faults, neither.” He closed his eyes and retracted his hand to fold them both in his lap. “I’m sorry, I can’t make this decision, because there isn’t really a decision to make. But I suppose, if I absolutely had to -”

There was a pop like that of a cap gun, and both Merlin and Eggsy jumped minutely in their seats. In some bizarre combination of the two outfits his incarnations had been wearing previous, sitting legs splayed on the floor and clutching his head was Harry. He blinked, and tried to get his bearings.

“What happened?”

And Eggsy started to laugh. It started as a chuckle and quickly evolved into an eyes-closed, deep-chested, full-body, slumped-sideways-in-his-chair-clutching-his-ribs type of laugh, and Merlin laughed right along with him.

“What? I don’t understand what’s so funny.” Eggsy laughed even harder, if possible, and rolled off of his chair and onto the floor - or, more specifically, Harry’s lap.

“Hi,” he said softly, giggles finally quieting. “What do you, um, what do you remember?”

“A flash of bright light, and then some very strange and very familiar conversations with myself.” He paused. “And you.” Eggsy but his lip and looked away, the pink returning to his cheeks. “I meant what I said.”

“So did I.” Merlin pulled out a thick file from his desk drawer.

“I hate to interrupt this moment, oh, no I don’t, because I get to say  _ I told you so _ , but we now have secondary business. This file, gentlemen, contains workplace-relations codes. We’ll all be needing to have a chat about this. But it can wait, because we need to prevent this mess,” Merlin gestured to Harry, “from happening again. Ever.”


End file.
